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When I was young, my best friend John and I both wanted the same bike for Christmas. We visited it in the toystore, talking about tricks we could do and how fast we could go on the bike. It was basically the lynchpin in our plans for world domination. World domination, at thirteen, was strongly related to impressing Clarissa Mulhauser, who lived around the corner from me.

And on Christmas morning I got the bike. John's family was poor, he got a hand-me-down bike from his older brother, and I let him use The Bike sometimes, to show how gracious I was.

Until a week later when I rode up on The Bike and saw John holding hands with Clarissa Mulhauser in his sideyard. I walked up to John and punched him in the face. I broke his nose and never saw him again after my mother made me come with her to check on John and apologize to him and his parents.

My point is, I have a temper. I lost it, and I lost my best friend as a result.

So now I'm sitting in a trailer with half a bottle of scotch - which is half a bottle less than I had three hours ago - wondering if Meredith is the bike or the friend, if I'm setting myself up for heartbreak or overreacting to something small, something forgiveable.

Then again, everyone thought I had overreacted to Addison and Mark, and I stand by that move, no matter what. That was what was right for me, and I was clearly the only one concerned with doing what was right for me at that point.

I guess the biggest difference now is that I think I'm the only one concerned with what's right for Meredith, and I don't want to make decisions that are bad for her, bad for either of us.

So is it worse for us to be together, or apart? Am I only considering it because my temper is flared right now? Is this the truth at the heart of our relationship, that I fail to see at other times?

I can't think clearly. That might have something to do with the scotch, though.

feeling like a surgeon [public]

As a surgeon, I don't take no for an answer. I don't ask questions, I make statements. My decisions are informed, and always correct. I am never off-balance, uncertain, or incomplete.

But with Meredith, I'm all of those things. I'm forever asking questions, and I take whatever answer she gives me. I made the wrong choice. I've been wrong so many times.

And now I'm waiting for her to decide. I'm waiting and I'm doing my best not to pressure her or sound desperate, but I have no idea what I'll do if she walks away. She completes me in ways I don't even understand, and I don't know where to begin without an idea that she'll be there in the end.

I want her to be happy because she deserves no less, but I know I can make her happy, and I can only hope that she'll give me the chance.

Surgery is the biggest thing Meredith and I have in common, but I never feel like a surgeon around her.



Prepping [ickleem]
Dr. Derek Shepherd

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October 2006


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